i'll finally talk about it
16/4/2025 5:45pm
i went on another walk today and alone with my thoughts i thought about my last relationship.
to be honest, we broke up on VALENTINE'S DAY. we did not talk much after that day. i'll start from the beginning though.
the beginning
it was april or may, i cant really remember anymore. i was at work, i was tired of my life - spending all my time going to work and coming home, i wanted to be around people i actually liked. there was a popular-ish tumblr blog run by a butch who loves horror movies. i was a little enamored. i had seen their posts from time to time. we were mutuals for about a week when i saw they had made a post about london pride. i wasnt looking to be in a relationship at the time. just wanted more friends. we exchanged discords and talked every day, all day. it was cool. we both developed crushes on each other and ended up properly dating at pride really.
it was all really good for a few months, like really sweet. i had never felt happier before this. then i quit my job at the end of august.
the main issue i had in this relationship was having to beg my partner to see me and like.... hang out? i think because of my job and how i couldnt do anything but work because i was doing overtime every day and it was a 2 hr journey from home, the issue of reluctancy to see your loved one wasnt obvious because i had no time in the first place.
i was stupid enough to quit my job to make time for you
i quit my job because i was taken of advantage of and couldnt handle rude customers every day. i also wanted to spend more time with my partner. i saved up money and put some aside for all the dates i wanted to go on while we were both out of work. those dates never happened.
mid september my mum gets sick and i start to see the issues. i had to practically beg my partner to let me see him. i didnt want to neglect our relationship while having to deal with my sick mum as i was the only person who was free enough to see her everyday.
i would ask him to come over, he doesnt want to because of money. i offer to help pay for the cost because thats what you do when you like and care about somebody. i still get told not to think about it. i ask if i can come to his house because of the money issue, he isnt comfortable with me being at his house. he makes the situation we are in really hard and refuses to compromise or make any effort to try and make it work.
i dont want this to be too long
im leaving alot out because i dont think its relevant. but there were multiple instances where i had to tell him i hated that we only ever really spoke on discord and he never really seemed like he want to see me physically i would have to beg him to let me see him. i think it was a case of wanting things to be perfect and trying to wait until they are instead of enjoying the moment while we're in it and trying to make the most of it.
october comes and he makes the effort to try and go on dates. it was a really good month despite the worry of my mum dying looming over me every day. i made it easier for him by always planning our dates closer to his house so he could save money. i had done this from the start actually, but i really doubled down this time. i had a wonderful halloween. the best i'd had really.
my mum passes away and im obviously depressed. so we keep our distance. we dont really talk again until janurary to see nosfeatu. now lets get into valentines day
THE WORST VALENTINES DAY I'VE EVER HAD
he's clearly going through something. he wont respond to my messages but he will post on tumblr. he tells me he assumed i wanted to give him space when im worried about him asking how he is because i know he's going through it. he made alot of assumptions throughout this. he thought because we had so much in common we thought the exact same way too. he would never really ask.
valentine's day is approaching and he is still not responding to me. i flat out ask him if he wants to celebrate. he forces himself to come and see me even though i am so up to my limit i dont even wnat to go ahead because i knew i'd put in all this energy and work in for someone who has repeatdly proven they arnet ready to give the same to me.
he comes to my place. EMPTY HANDED. i wanted to tell him to fuck off when i saw him with nothing. not a flower, a card, a chocolate bar NOTHING.
im so pissed off i cant do anything but cry. i spent so much time looking for stuff he had told me he wanted and liked in the past and he doenst even bother to write happy valentine's day on a piece of paper and hand it to me. i never asked for the world. just some fucking effort.
he told me he knew what he would make me would be shit so he just decided to not bring anything. im not a material person but it was the idea that he wouldnt even bother to try after we have spent so much time apart that ticked me off. i found that he was the one person that i actually started to find annoying when my mum died. i thought it was because i was grieving but no, i think he was just someone i was working so hard to keep happy.
we had a lenghthy conversation and agreed we werent good for each other. but for some reason i didnt want to break it off then. i mean it was valentine's day after all. but we basically ended it.
i only finalised the break up for closure. its not fair if we just stopped talking and nobody made it clear what our status was. but i was so dissatisfied for so long i just had to get it over with. i feel free.
this is partially why im working alot harder to build community. there is a reason why i felt so isolated and lonely lately.
people who have dated more than me (THIS WAS MY FIRST RELATIONSHIP, AND NOT HIS BTW! HE HAD DATED IN THE PAST) have told me that this is actually kind of common for ppl my age. i talked about it alot more over here.